Joy

What is joy?

For me it's the feeling I get when I'm with my Grandson. This amazing, 11 year old, dynamo stirs emotions in me that I never knew I had.

Don't get me wrong, I love my children. My girls are wonderful, amazing, really fantastic, but having a Grandchild is indescribable!

I think when you have kids you're so worried about doing everything right and not screwing them up... you miss a lot! You love them, you enjoy them, but there's this underlying tension and worry. This weird anxiety like your forgetting something or that you've missed something.

Not to mention the fact that you don't ever want them to see you for who you really are! God forbid. You need to keep the grand facade going that you're this all knowing, all powerful, perfect "parent." Even though they know... and you know, you're not. You never were.

With my Grandson, it's different, it's all about love. Unquestionable, unconditional, undying love.

I look at him and I see bits of his mother, sure that's easy... but more than that I see my Dad, my Mom, traces of Uncle Charlie... and I see me. In him I see what must be traits and characteristics of the many generations of my family that came long before me. I also see the future.

After I'm long gone, he'll still be here. He'll hopefully have a wonderful life and a family of his own. He'll have memories of me that don't include my disciplining him, or punishing him. He won't think about the times I messed up or made is life miserable, because it never happened. He won't blame me for things that have happened in his life, or worse blame me for the things that didn't happen. His memories and judgement of me won't be clouded by that whole painful parent/child, love/hate thing.

Nope, after I'm dead and gone... he'll be left with memories of "Grandma." ...and with any luck at all he'll be overcome by a feeling of unquestionable, unconditional, undying love and feeling of joy.