What must it be like to know, to really know, that your death is days, weeks, months away? I mean sure... we all know we're going to die, of course, but to know its here, its now, that this is it, "Game Over." Can you even imagine?I hate this photo because I knew, that Charlie knew, that this was the last birthday he would ever celebrate. He knew that when he blew out those candles it would be the beginning of his own personal countdown. He'd be giving his "approval" (not that it was needed!) to shut the lights and close the door.
He knew he was dying. I knew he was dying, but we never spoke those words. I tipi-toed around God awful questions like, "Soooo, what kind of arrangements do you want... ya know when... if... anything were to ever happen to you?" (This question was immediately followed by a lot of nervous laughter and long, slow sips from my never empty wine glass.) Hmm! I just realized that questions is actually how I found out (much to my surprise) that he wanted to be cremated. Who knew? ...but we never actually said the words.
So what must it be like to know your death is days, weeks, months away? I can only imagine it's hell. It's horrifying. It's worse than... well actually worse than "death" itself. However, as I said I can only "imagine," because as close as I was with my brother, he never let on. He never broke down, he never allowed any fear or anger to show through, he never asked "Why me?" Nope, he stood straight and tall and looked death right in the eye, like he had every other problem he'd had in his life. (Oh, and he had plenty of problems, but that's another blog!) He kept the devil's secret, secret.
In a way... maybe it's liberating! Just think about it, to know that you don't have to put up with any more bullshit! You don't have to do things you don't really want to do. You don't have to go to work! You no longer have to watch your cholesterol or blood pressure! You can just be YOU with no fear of rejection or repercussion. It must be blissful in a lot ways... At that point it really is between you and your "god." The physical world around you must just melt away slowly and become meaningless.
I miss Charlie every single minute of every single day, but boy did he go out with style and class. Which by the way was the same way he lived his life; style and a whole lot of class.
This has so many sad memories for me, about Charlie, you, the trip to Italy, Tommy's perspective...the turns life takes.
ReplyDeleteIt's a great reflection on Charlie how he handled himself but also on you how much you were there for him, to help and be his advocate. His ability to be stoic was to some degree built on knowing you were there for him (whether he knew it consciously or sub consciously) even if you didn't see it or feel it he knew he had you.
Our lives have changed, many times, and some not for the better. This will continue and all we can do is try to cope with the things that come down the road.
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